The Life In My Head: Me, Unfiltered

   For over a quarter of a century, I have been running in order to think. That's over twenty-five years of thoughts from why does my teacher always call on me when I don't know the answer to why does the thumbs up emoji annoy me to why people are so obsessed with the aging face app (I already can see the aging process thanks to a certain ten year old I know) to how am I going to be better today than I was yesterday?   I often surprise people when I tell them that I am an introvert and live a lot of my life in my own head. Running has always helped me process things, plan my favorite lessons, make decisions, figure out my parenting shortcomings, and tear down walls that I tend to put up for myself. In other words, running enables me to survive the life I'm living in my head. While I have run with others and enjoy the company, most of my runs are done solo--just me, my music, and the pavement. I don't have expensive running shoes and tend to wear a t-shirt and shorts--no fancy running gear.  As I've gotten older, I don't care so much about how fast I run or if I have to stop and walk a steep hill because my achilles is hurting again. I don't run to train for any kind of race. I've run a marathon and two half marathons; to me, those are accomplishments of a previous lifetime. Running is me in my simplest form--real. unfiltered, vulnerable.

      Recently, I've been thinking about how we need to stop filtering our lives. Filters are everywhere--Snapchat, Instagram, on what we say; even some of the air we breathe is filtered. We tend to put up walls in our lives instead of letting people in. How often do we not show the real "us" but the person we would like to be or the person we would like others to see us as. I roll my eyes at my son's desire to gain 100 subscribers for his YouTube channel, but I will say he completely puts himself out there every time he makes a new video. He's not afraid to show others what he's passionate about; there's something to be said for that.  He is real and authentic in every video. I've been trying to be conscious of the times I am unauthentic and find ways to be real and unfiltered. As I've attempted to do so, this idea of authenticity and living an unfiltered life keeps surfacing.

   This past week, I spent watching my kids play on the beach.  They started to build a sand castle that they wanted to protect from the waves. Building a wall around the castle, they attempted to protect their creation until my husband suggested that they needed a tunnel to let some water in. As they tore down part of the wall, I began to think again about this idea of being vulnerable. That tunnel became a metaphor for what I think our society needs--truth, honesty, vulnerability--an unfiltered world that lets the water in every now and then.

       I also recently went to New York City with one purpose in mind--to see To Kill a Mockingbird  on Broadway. My husband and I had tickets since November. When we got in line to see the show about forty minutes prior, the lights went out in the Broadway area. Twenty minutes later, they cancelled the show, offering us a refund. I was devastated; I wanted to see my favorite book come to life on a Broadway stage. Before I could grapple with the idea that I may not see the show, I had to navigate out of New York City. Yet how do you do that when there are no traffic lights, entire city blocks are shut down, and people are moving shoulder to shoulder throughout the streets? This was New York City unfiltered. I marveled at how everyday civilians directed traffic so that cars weren't dodging one another. New York continued to function--naked, without traffic lights and Times Square lighting up the night--an unfiltered city that when faced with adversity was able to thrive.

New York in darkness

 




















     One of the books I read this summer was Be Real by educator Tara Martin. In it, she explains what it means to be REAL in the classroom--to be relatable, expose vulnerability by sharing experiences, be approachable, and learn through life. What simple but perfect advice. This is the goal I will continue to have as I begin the school year in a few weeks; it also is how I will continue to live my life--real, genuine, unfiltered.                                                               

     I've learned from my runs I am far from perfect. At times, I'm a true parent catastrophe. Other times as a teacher, I fail to connect with my students even though I always want to. Sometimes I'm afraid to tell others how I really feel. My goal this summer has been to be more authentic, to be real. And that's what I want to encourage you to be as well. To my students returning to school in a little over a month, remember that you are not perfect; no one is. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Show the real, authentic you as you do so. To the students I taught from the Class of 2019, you head to college in a few short weeks. Some of you may be completely excited to enter a world of freedom. Others may be scared to be on your own. Whatever you are feeling right now, let yourself feel it. It's okay to feel the way you do. You will find your ground, and when you do, what an impact you will make!

     As for me, for now, I'll keep running and working through the things in my head. I'll keep wondering why my kids won't stop listening to the song "Old Town Road" and why they desperately want to figure out if water is really wet (sadly, that was a lengthy debate in our house recently). I'll continue to wonder how I can make an impact on those I meet in a real, authentic way. I'll take the filters off the pictures and live my best authentic life--just me, my music, and the pavement. Right now, I can't imagine it any other way.