You haven't lived until you've had a sandwich from a New York delicatessen. The meat is piled high on top of your choice of bread (Growing up, I always went for a hard deli roll or a sesame seed bagel), so thick that you can barely wrap your mouth around the entire thing. Like pizza and bagels, deli sandwiches are a staple of New York and something I have not been able to replicate since I've been living in Virginia. When I was about ten years old, my mother would often send me into the deli to place an order while she waited in the car. She'd reach over the back seat of the car, holding a ten dollar bill, while I pleaded with her not to make me have to go inside. I wasn't even tall enough to see over the tall deli counter that encased salads, cold cuts, bagels, and sweets.
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| Finn's Deli in Massapequa, New York |
The store owner would peer over the edge of the counter, always looking down at my sister and me, smiling. "What can I do for you guys?" he would ask, in his thick, New York accent. I hated placing our family's order at the deli. I was shy and felt so small next to the surrounding glass of the counter. It was a moment where I lacked confidence.
All of us have had those moments where we question what we're doing and our abilities to do so. I've been around teenagers long enough to know that high school is undoubtedly hard. We question our self worth, our ability, our intelligence. Some of us doubt that we will be able to score the goal or remember the formula. We worry about being liked, if we're funny, how we look in the photo we just posted to Instagram, if we have a decent ratio of followers to those we're following on social media. All of that comes down to confidence--confidence in ourselves and the world around us.
This year, I have suddenly resorted to that girl ordering sandwiches at the deli counter all over again. At one point, my confidence shattered so much that it became impossible to pick up the fragments that spilled across the floor. For awhile, teaching in a pandemic changed my perception of the kind of teacher I am and could be. Teaching in a pandemic ruined my confidence so much that I actually couldn't find the words to write a blog last month. It's the first time in six years that I have missed a month of blogging for my students, but I didn't believe that what I would say would come out in the right way.
In a recent conversation I had with a member of HCPS senior staff, I hinted at the struggle of teaching this year. "I just don't feel like I'm getting any better at this," I said, referring to teaching both virtual and face to face students simultaneously.
"No one is good at it," she reminded me. So how do I exist in a world where where no one is successful? I remind myself daily of why I teach. I try something new even if I may fail or my students may not find my joke even remotely funny. I order a deli sandwich with confidence even though I'm trembling inside. That's what I've worked hard to do this year even though I don't always feel successful, even if the outcome isn't what it usually is. When I told one class about my lack of words for my blog, one student said, "Just start with, 'I have no words,' and go from there. I did that once and ended up writing a whole page. You'll be surprised what you come up with." Because of that student, I've found my words this month. Sometimes the confidence to do things is inside you; all you need to do is open your eyes and look for it.
The past two months, I've had the privilege of watching the confidence of you, my students, soar. My Theory of Knowledge seniors, you turned in your final work, and your prescribed titles, in particular, were some of the best pieces of writing I've uploaded to IB since I've been teaching TOK. You went into these assessments confidently even though your education was rudely disrupted by Covid-19. You perservered even when it would have been easy to quietly mumble your deli order. And my IB English juniors, you just finished probably the longest unit on race I have taught in my twenty-two years as a teacher. You discussed the issue of racism, wrote about it, read several texts in book clubs, and did so with an air of confidence I haven't seen in all groups I have taught. Many are often afraid to embrace this unit, and quite honestly, this was one I considered skipping this year. How do you talk about a sensitive topic like race over a screen? How does it become meaningful? Yet, studying these issues are vital, as scary as they may be to have in the classroom, are vital. Thank you for approaching everything we did in this unit with grace, poise, and confidence. And my TOK Juniors, everything you do, you seem do do with an air of confidence--even if it's putting together more tables for the Raider Retreat without a single power tool--you allow nothing to slow you down.
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| Table construction for the Raider Retreat |
I now know what my mother was trying to do in sending me into that deli years ago. She was instilling in me a confidence that I would carry with me into the future. She was not just teaching me how to communicate with others; she was helping me shed my shy, unconfident skin. She was showing me that a lack of confidence shatters far more dreams and ideas than failure ever does. It might sound silly that I struggled to order a deli sandwich, but we all have our own battles--whether it be learning over a screen in a pandemic or teaching in one. Whether it be our worry about what others think or how much we know (or don't know) for our next chemistry test or trying to find the right words for a blog--we're all standing at that immense deli counter at some points in our lives. It's up to us to make that choice of whispering what we want or ordering confidently.
We have nine weeks left together in room 211 in a year that has been far more challenging for all of us than any other year of schooling. Let's continue to work hard, build each other up, and approach whatever life brings us with confidence. Let's not worry about the grade or how unsuccessful we may think we might be. Trust me. I've placed countless orders of oven roasted turkey, lettuce, tomato on a sesame seed bagel in my lifetime. It's always worth it when we have the confidence to approach whatever life brings us. And I, for one, am confident we can do this.
