Smile With Your Eyes

"Smile with your eyes."

     Those were the last words I read before making my first of many on-line videos for my students this week. I'm grateful to HCPS Communications Specialist and TV-99 teacher, Mr. Brian Capaldo, for this reminder. You see, I don't despise many things in life, but I really don't like to be on camera. Brian experienced my camera insecurity a few years ago when he had to film me, and I remember him giving me that advice then. Somehow he managed to email me the very same words days ago when I told him what I was about to embark upon--a video each day to connect with my students. If you want the honest truth, I was petrified. Cameras don't lie, and I easily become shy around them. But I also know my students need to see my face. We all need to see each other. So I did what Brian suggested; I took a deep breath and smiled with my eyes. My first video was born. I've continued to make one daily.

 I've done a lot of smiling with my eyes these days because I can't seem to construct an  actual smile on my face. I just keep thinking of the things I'm missing:

I miss my school next door neighbor and one of my dear friend's laughs. Any of you who teach on the 200's hall know who I'm talking about. Heather Leise's laugh is infectious and simply the best. She keeps me grounded during the day when things get crazy or hectic or I'm stressed. Had I known we would be out for so long, I would have recorded her laugh to play on repeat.

What I wouldn't give to silence the room in B1. You see, every time I ask a question in that class, no one has anything to say. Somehow I'd be okay with that now. While we've had to continue instruction online, I really am missing conferencing with you in person on your writing.

I miss eating lunch in 20 minutes in between people asking me questions or joking around in the writing center. I miss my students who come in just to spend time in there.

I miss watching the teacher across the hall give out papers and instructions to his students as they  walk into his classroom. As a veteran teacher, I'm always inspired when he does this and long to pick up on his organization.

I miss making memes for my TOK students and having them roasted (most of the time). I'm still a work in progress. I know.

I miss Dr. Wheeler's quote on the morning announcements every day.

How I wish I could hear the banter in my B2 and B4 classes right now--the same banter I complained about at the beginning of the year that was detracting from my teaching. Yes, I miss it all.

I'd give anything to listen to a heated debate in A2. Or to read an Office quote provided by Scott and Wendy.

I really wish I could start my day with A1 and listen to the jokes from the trio of boys who sit in the back of the room.

A4, I would love to hear your perspective on this new book we're reading. You all always have something profound to say that makes me question everything I taught in the two blocks prior.

I can't believe I will admit this, but what I wouldn't do to witness students walking around doing TikTok dances.

I miss heading into my IB Coordinator, Wendy Edelman's office to get her expert advice on something new I want to try in my classroom.

I miss rushing my own kids out the door for school. Now they just show up in their pajamas. One of them is still late so I guess some things have stayed the same.

I'd give anything to eat inside any restaurant (I'd even patronize Taco Bell and Waffle House right now). I want to go back to the days when milk and toilet paper were plentiful and I didn't have to tell my kids to wash their hands every five minutes. I'd even take an afternoon carpool.

How I wish I could set foot in Room 211. School fuels me--not the physical classroom or the work (although I find my work meaningful)--but the conversations I have with colleagues, the students who are so creative, who think outside the box and ask all the right questions. It's crushing me not to spend these weeks with my students and colleagues if you really want to know.

So I just keep smiling with my eyes--embracing the discomfort with a little bit of a twinkle and optimism. I think of what I've done this week. Just because I don't have a classroom doesn't mean I haven't stopped being a teacher. I've set up on-line "office hours" where students can ask me questions about their learning or just check in. I'm learning all sorts of new ways to use technology. I'm putting myself on camera to connect with my students. In a world where I'm usually against the use of too much social media, I've spent more time connecting with people online.

I'm running my own school in my house (I'm not quite succeeding in this endeavor--yet).

   

Thanks to a friend's idea of kindness, I've sent all of my daughter's Girl Scout troop's extra cookies to thank the medical personnel at St. Mary's. I've gone for long runs and spent a lot of time with family. I've finished several books and given out lots of recommendations. I've gone from the fear of missing out on things to the fear of just missing things. There's still that feeling of longing for what's missing, still that lump that forms in my throat when I think about my students--especially the Seniors--and what they are feeling and thinking right now. My heart breaks for my former students who were supposed to graduate from college this May.

And so, I encourage you to continue to smile with your eyes. I know this is not ideal. You don't deserve this. No one does. But what you've taught me in the many videos, photos, and messages that you've sent me this week is that you have grit and perseverance. You're not going to let a virus keep you from being positive. You know the power of kindness. Often in hardship, kids learn from the way adults respond to things. In this situation for me, it's been the opposite. I've learned so much from the way you, my students, have responded to this pandemic. You've told me things about your lives, you've checked in and have made me laugh. For that, I'm grateful.

When this ends--and it will-- maybe we'll be better, stronger. Maybe we'll live in a world where we don't take so much for granted, where we don't count down the days until school ends but savor the days as they last.

So, I'll continue to smile with my eyes. I'll continue to make videos even though I still am way out of my comfort zone. Why? Because you matter. Because I miss you. Because we need to get through this--and we will--together.