College Edition: Just A Number

     I found myself reflecting on calculus recently when one of you told me that class was going to put a big dent in your GPA. Now me thinking about math is a scary thought, especially calculus. This was a class I took over two semesters in college because my professor thought that it would "better suit me to take it that way." Translation: You're not smart enough to handle it in one semester. Let's break it up over two. My response in hindsight: How lucky am I? For, calculus made an English major out of me, and helped me to appreciate every single paper I wrote in college. I simply was not made for derrivatives. And, quite frankly, derivatives were not made for me. Give me the trochaic rhythm of a poem or character archetypes or even a conjunctive adverb any day, though, and I felt right at home. But I digress. Simply put, calculus was my nemesis in college. It put a dent in my GPA. I worked for every single grade I earned those two semesters, went to extra help session upon extra help session, but the numbers still didn't work out--on my exams and in my GPA.

     Yet, I know now that it's just a number. My GPA--not a 4.0 for the first time in my life--was just a number. The score on most of my calculus exams--far lower than a highway speed limit--was just a number. And numbers don't define us. We matter far more than any test score. Let me repeat that: We matter more than any test score. At the time, I didn't realize this. I went home that first semester from college with my laundry, probably a few extra pounds because the dining hall at the University of Richmond was pretty good, a GPA that was lower than what I was used to, and a destroyed pride for not getting straight A's for the first time in my 13-year academic career.

     I remember telling my parents about college--about how I held my own in the poetry seminar I was enrolled in that semester where I was the lone freshman among upperclassmen. I remember telling them about the people I had met when just a few short months ago I had been dropped off in a place of 3000 students knowing not a soul. I remember telling them about the volunteer work I was doing in a program called Carver Promise. I went each week to Carver Elementary School in the City of Richmond and mentored a second grader named Rashad. Rashad is probably around 30 years old now, and I still have the letter he wrote Santa that year:

It took a long time for me to help him compose that letter, and it was, by far, the most gratifying thing I had done that semester at college. For the first time in a long time, I volunteered not because it would look good on a resume or application, not because my parents persuaded me it was a good idea, but because I wanted to volunteer. I wanted to make someone else's life better. And it felt good to be a part of this organization. I certainly was more than just a number.

     So, my first reaction when one of you was telling me about the hardships of calculus was that number doesn't define you. Ironically, the next day at school, we had a guest speaker in an assembly at Atlee who said the very same thing: "You are worth more than a test grade." I smiled at the thought. Here this 24 year-old probably was getting paid a far greater salary than I do to give advice to teenagers about their lives, and I (closer to twice this young man's age) gave someone the same advice for free. And again, I reminded myself, that I am not just a number. My salary does not define my self worth any more than my calculus score defined me. That semester, my calculus grade did not prevent me from anything in life except maybe sleep. Today, my salary does not prevent me from anything in life except maybe a trip to Hawaii and retirement in my near future. Yet, I'm okay with that because a number does not define me. I am not just a number.

       So, as you sit down to study for your exams after your first semester from college or if you're reading this and are a student who is more seasoned in taking college exams, or if you are one of my current students reading this who is stressed by the inordinate amount of work you have to do before break, please know that while grades are important, they are not everything. Numbers don't define who you are. After all, they're just numbers. Calculus is just numbers. And numbers can't be used to describe and define you, but words--words can. And so my choice to be an English teacher is finally validated twenty years later in that idea that numbers don't define us, but words most certainly do.

     Good luck on your upcoming exams! Congratulations on finishing your first semester at college. I know that you're busy, but please come back and visit me in Room 211. It's missed you...and so have I.